At about 2 o'clock this afternoon, I looked at the clock and started counting the hours until Dylan would be getting home. I was changing the umpteenth diaper of the day, and starting to feel like I was sinking in the repetition and boredom. We had tried to play outside, but the wind was strong and chilly, so we hadn't stayed out very long. I couldn't think of a good place indoors we could go people-watching. I didn't know what we'd do to stay entertained. I felt like I was stuck in a losing battle.
Then, I realized, this is ridiculous. I had my day off yesterday. Dylan handled every grumpy baby situation; I got sunshine, a chance to go swimming, and a shopping trip by myself. His day off became my day off. I needed it after my minor breakdown on Sunday. Here I am in my favorite city in the world, and I was feeling bored and getting depressed about it. I was resenting every last diaper, every moment of, "I don't know what you want, kid," and every fun trip out to do something that has been cut short by the standard demands of a six month old. I haven't been enjoying my city, or the days we get to spend together. And, there I was, at only 2 in the afternoon, on the first day of the week (don't try to tell me it's Tuesday; around here, Monday is the weekend, Tuesday is the first day of the week), and already done.
Something had to change.
I rallied. I think it might even last a few days, hopefully longer. But I suddenly remembered how wonderful it is that I get to spend so much time with her. I remembered that I like playing with her, taking pictures, snuggling, feeding, whatever. Her smile is worth the battle to find something that makes her happy. And I can find ways to challenge myself and make the daily routine something that fits my needs too. I thought I was trying, but I had clearly gotten sidetracked somewhere along the way. The last few days I felt lost in a never-ending desert, with nothing but a cranky kid, dirty diapers, a stack of dirty dishes, and nothing to stimulate my mind. I think I'm seeing the path back to sanity, now. I need to take back active control of every day and look for ways to be engaged with Kaylee and with the places we're living. Make a list of places I want to visit before we leave LA. Start researching places to visit and things to see in Portland. Play games with Kaylee and do things she likes to do. Smile and laugh so she can smile and laugh. Do a little packing and organizing, just a little every day, so it doesn't get overwhelming. Finish knitting Dylan's sock monkey. Do things in the evening after Kaylee goes to bed - don't just sit there staring at the tv or playing video games. There are lots of ways I can reinvigorate the mundane routine, I just needed a kick in the butt and a reminder that there's a long two years ahead of us. A lot of cities, a lot of hotel rooms, a lot of days when Dylan will be gone for 14 hours. And I can choose to feel trapped and bored, which will only make me miserable which will only make the child miserable. Or, I can get excited again. I'll take what's behind Door Number 2, work with what I've got, and find ways to really love all of it.
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