The Past

I'm sitting here, awake, at 5am, rocking the baby girl back to sleep.

During the day, I have a hard enough time staying focused on the present and the future to tune out the past.

At night, in the dark, the past returns as nightmares. I'm awake. I'm trying to keep my mantra in my head, "I cannot change the past. God, grant me the patience to accept that, and the strength to focus on the present and future." But the nightmares creep in. The dreams of how it could have been; how it should have been. The pain, the anger, and the frustration rule in my nightmares. The faces of those who betrayed me and hurt me. The memories of trying to be a good person, trying to block the betrayals with a wall of positive actions. And watching it, and me, be destroyed anyway.

In the dark, the nightmares win. Only, they weren't just dreams. They happened. In the dark, I'm broken all over again.