So, I was thinking. This, in and of itself seems like a miracle, as I've been having a hard time threading together thoughts, let alone doing so cohesively and with purpose. Going in to why is a whole different post. Let's stick with this thought before it too gets lost in the ether.
I wrote a seemingly innocuous status on FB yesterday, describing an amusing encounter with my toddler. The people I expected would like it, did; then there was an unexpected comment. And it really got under my skin. I don't want to risk embarrassing anyone, so I won't quote directly, so to paraphrase the comment: "maybe she's too old for you to let her do that."
I'm almost certain the commenter meant it in an inoffensive way, and even with some humor. But there's the problem. When we say, to another mother, "Why don't you do this?" what the other mother hears is, "Your problems are your own fault. Sleep deprived? Fussy kid? Tantrums? Braces when she's 14? Doesn't get in to a good college? A felon by the age of 18? All because you aren't raising her right, right now!"
Sometimes, we ask for advice. We even know we'll get advice we don't agree with, or that we've tried and watched fail repeatedly. It doesn't mean we're always on the lookout for more advice, or worse, criticism disguised as advice.
Then there's the silent criticism. The quiet contempt of an outsider judging how you're raising your child. We've all seen it. The look of a fellow passenger on the airplane who wishes the toddler would stop screaming, the judgement of a fellow mom at playgroup who sees you pull out the bottle of formula instead of breastfeeding, the husband who says, "yes, dear" but rolls his eyes when you tell him that she doesn't need another cookie.
This is what destroys the confidence of a mother. We know our child, we can see in her responses when something is working or not working. We see the growth and the change and we know the most important thing is that we give her love and she never feels neglected. The choices we make are how we show our child that love. And when what we do is questioned or criticized, what we hear is that we aren't loving our child enough. Nothing can hurt a parent worse than that. Letting her have a pacifier past the age of 1? Giving her a bottle? Letting her watch TV? You don't love your child!
As if there isn't enough fear, especially in the US, that something we do might be interpreted as child abuse and the government may need to step in and show us how to raise our child. Did you hear about the six year old who was taken to the police station and held because she walked to the grocery store alone? In a safe neighborhood, where the family knows everyone, the store keeper knew the child, and it had only been about 2 blocks from home but an unidentified neighbor decided a child shouldn't be walking alone? And they wouldn't release the child to the parent until Child Services gave the okay? Or the mom who let her older toddler "help" pump the gas but when the handle slipped for a second a bystander called the cops and, again, made it a child services case? When teaching our children to do things on their own can be seen as child abuse instead of love how can we not question ourselves and lose all confidence in what we think is responsible parenting anytime someone looks at us or suggests doing it diffently?
Can't we all just agree that the world is changing too fast, raising our kids will go by too fast, and along the way we may do things differently but as long as our children are happy, healthy, and LOVED, we're not doing it "wrong?"
No comments:
Post a Comment