Summer "Vacation"?

Woah.  Last posted, June 19th??  That's... that's a long time.

But, it's been summer vacation!  With lots of playing, and working, and not a lot of being anywhere near my computer.

Not to say I'm not near *a* computer.  But when I'm at the computers at work for 9-10 hours a day, I rarely have the desire to come home and use another computer.  So, no posting.  But still lots to post about.

Here's the long and the short of it.  "My life got flip-turned upside-down"  From stay-at-home-mom in Australia to full-time-working mom in Michigan.  From spending my days coming up with games and quiet book pages and snacks and stories for a toddler (i.e. lots of Pinterest) to accounting and cost plans and allocations on FTE and audit expenditures (i.e. don't ask; if you aren't a public sector consultant, it means nothing to you).  From 24 hours a day with Kaylee to maybe 10 minutes in the morning, a couple hours at night, and passing her off to her Busia on Saturdays so I can spend the day at the cabin building a dock with her Daddy and mine.

The first few weeks were a serious shock to my system.  I felt like I was suddenly back in college and home for a summer vacation.  Nothing made sense - some things haven't changed at all from 10 years ago, and some things (like needing to leave work at 5 and not staying until 7 because there was a husband and kid at home waiting for me) are completely different.  It took some adjusting.  Some serious adjusting.

Now, I'm starting to just like this new "norm," and the thought of leaving it in 8 weeks to go off to Taipei is terrifying.  So much so, that I'm not even looking forward to visiting the West Coast any more.  Because that will be part of getting ready to leave the States and head back to tour.  I want to go back to tour.  I'm excited about experiencing Japan and even Taipei.  I miss having housekeeping (turns out my mom doesn't like being called that, and expects us to help clean up our own messes around here).  I miss our friends (but let's not even talk about how few of those will actual being coming back to tour with us, because then I get all depressed again).  I miss napping when Kaylee naps (oddly, napping at work isn't considered particularly acceptable).  And I like working.  And I like being here where Kaylee can spend time with her grandparents, and there's always a babysitter around, and a daycare where she can play with other kids, and a speech therapist who's doing great things with her, and....

You can't always get what you want

I'm not complaining.  I'm not unhappy, or overtly discontented.  Just... up in the air, again. 24 months ago, things made sense.

Nothing has made sense since then.

And I don't really mind.  I go with it.  I'm grateful, daily, earnestly, immensely, for my therapist and my Zoloft.  Anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, stress... they just don't build up any more.  I don't see these uncertainties as problems, or walls blocking us.... every bit of it is just more possibility, more opportunity... Everything will work out.

Not to say that I'm not anxious.  Not to say that I'm not terrified.  I am.  But I have control over it now.  I can say, "Man, this is terrifying.  Can you imagine being in this situation?  Woah."  And then I smile, and move on to the next thing.  What I accept is that worrying won't change it.  I hate not having control.  But worrying isn't the same as control.  I don't have control over the price of plane tickets, or the tour dates for the show, or what other job openings for Dylan might come up.  But I don't let the anxiety or fear take over either.   I don't let them have control over me.

So, I'm scared of our next move.  Anxious about transitioning back to SAHM from feeling so productive and having this part of my brain that had been dormant for 9 years be so active and be going back to playing with a toddler. Worried about money - we don't have plane tickets yet because money we were expecting hasn't come in, and prices are just going to go up; we promised people we'd take a trip to the West Coast but now we have no idea how much time or money we have to spare for it.  Occupied with hoping and wishing and praying for a good job to open up that appeals to Dylan that will keep us closer to home, but not wanting to miss out on our opportunity to do the Asia tour either.  I want to be everywhere.  I want to be here, working.  I want to be on the West Coast, with our friends.  I want to be on tour, where Dylan is happily working and I get to explore and stay in shape and play with Kaylee.  I want to be home with Kaylee.  I want to have Kaylee cared for so I can work.  I want to go to Taipei and Japan.  I want to stay safe and comfortable in the States (or Australia, I liked Oz), and not go be alone with a toddler all day in a hotel in a strange place.

 I want it all.

You can't always get what you want.

This isn't making much sense.  You're probably even more confused then I am.   I at least have some idea what I'm talking about.  I'm not sure you do.  Forgive me.  I'm tired.  And this post didn't really have a point when I started it, and it tried to find one as it went along. Not sure that it found what it was looking for, either.